becoming an adult first and then a new mom made me shift from seeing my mum as just “mummy who’s got it figured out” to a “human experiencing life as every other person”
and looking back i love her even more cause yeahhh so many things now makes sense. so many things she didn’t even explain or talk about but now i get it.
I'm grateful for my dad. He's the reason why I write today. I'll never forget when I wrote an essay in primary 2 that stirred a little bit of family drama (would probably share another time, he he) he called me to his room and acknowledged how observant I was, told me he believed me even when others saw me as a child that wanted to cause chaos, and told me I was a talented writer. Now, that's not a thing you forget!
And my mum? How she supports everything even when she doesn't understand half of it! I write a book, she's supportive, asking how it's going! I explain to her I want to start a YouTube channel and she's excited for me. My win is her win, literally. She may not know much but the money she invested in my education has gotten me to where I am and I'm grateful to God for such a kind hearted woman.
Oh I love this Tobi. I'm well aware that I sometimes give my mum a bad rap, but I can wholeheartedly say she has always had my best interests at heart and consistently put me first. She's by no means perfect but she will forever do her best to be a good mother, and I think that's all I can ask for.
I have been learning to give my parents a lot of grace.
1. because they weren’t perfect and neither am I.
2. Because I am of a certain age where I understand the complexities of life and know now that they did the best they knew how to do given the tools that they had.
3. Because I am a mom to 3 amazing kids and a wife all while figuring out my own life and overcoming challenges.
It’s not easy so I have forgiven much that I did not understand but now do because of my own life experiences. It’s interesting how life comes full circle for us all.
Its like how your parents say “just keep on living” which meant one day you’ll understand.
“It’s interesting how life comes full circle for us all.”
it’s so interesting—if you had told me ten years ago that I’d reach a point where I’m angry at my parents because of what their parents did to them, I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m not a parent yet; I don’t have kids of my own.
but I forgave them more for my sake than theirs. It was about letting go so I could live in peace with them, not necessarily for them to be at peace with me. I wanted my communication with them to reflect that forgiveness, to be more of a friend than just a son, more than someone they brought into this world.
To come back to your point about life coming full circle—honestly, I never thought I’d get here, but here we are.
curious; do you ever wonder what your kids would say about you?
Omg do I wonder? I wonder and wonder often lol! I feel like it handicaps me in a sense because I am always making sure they feel loved. It’s like I’m overcompensating in which we as parents often do.
I know I am not perfect and they too will have to forgive me one day for things I maybe unaware of. What I do know is that Life is complex and no one gets it perfect. I just have to make sure I listen often and learn to be better than those who came before us. I guess that’s the whole point of evolution, isn’t it?
But if I had to guess, in which I often ask them. They usually answer that I’m mean and it’s because I’m the enforcer and I enforce aggressively. I also cuss like a sailer in which I’m working on. 😅
This is beautiful, Tobi. I wish for everyone to heal their familiar wounds the way you have. There is hope and so much of it is about extending grace and understanding towards our parents, without excusing their behaviour, of course.
My mother was 17 when she had me. I tend to try to have that in mind when I think of the mistakes my parents have made. It makes me see things in a different light.
Happy you’ve come to this beautiful stage of your relationship with your parents.
"My mother was 17 when she had me. " damnnnnnn! i'm 30 but i can't imagine the shit i'll put my kid through if i had one right now. Damn!! I feel for her, Mattie.
i'm curious, was it a cultural thing for her to have a kid that young?
Yes and she was under a lot of pressure from her parents and I suppose from my dad too who really liked her. Can’t really write about him here. I feel I am fighting to stay out of prison everyday by navigating my words about my father carefully, lmao. He wasn’t all bad, but narcissistic pastors do a lot of damage, often to the closest around them.
I can absolutely feel the love and gratitude you have for your parents. Like you, I’ve been shaped by the values my parents instilled in me and for that I’m forever grateful.
It’s inspiring to see how you honor them, not as perfect people, but as the anchors and guides who’ve poured so much into you. That is grace.
We have to cherish and celebrate the people who’ve been a steady force in our lives. So here’s to your parents and mine, for all they’ve done to help us become who we are. ❤️
This is beautiful and something I wish everyone can experience. There’s a peace that radiates when one’s foundation is sturdy. What a blessing to reach this place while they’re still alive.
Just…beautiful. I hope your parents read this. It would have to be some pretty cold or frozen-hearted parents who would not be touched by seeing the beauty that came through them. And it’s heartening to read your parents are getting it—as are you. Forget about “it’s better late than never.” It’s happening at exactly the time it needed to happen.
They may not have been perfect in every way, but they're great in some ways. I'm currently enrolled in this school, Identity School and I've realized that most times, our parents never got to heal from experiences that have hurt them in the past.
Trauma is real, and most of them got married really early but because they became parents, everyone expected them to know what they're doing meanwhile they're still trying to get a hang of their life.
I can't lie, it's annoying most times because I'm still a teenager and I hope I get to that stage where I can discuss certain things with my dad and we even have a relationship defined by boundaries but until then, I'll pray for God to help me appreciate and love them because they're a gift from God to me, just as I'm a gift from God to them
Shout out to them for birthing and raising you, they are with that! And just like Nalin said- you have no bad energy coming off you for real. Tobi, you're full of good energy and you radiate so much light, empathy and kindness.
I was having a convo with someone and we just concluded that our parents would act better towards us if they knew better. They're raising us the way they know best, and when we realize this we'll accept & respect them for who they are.
yoo!! i can’t wait to walk my way into that category with them. I want them to be who i call first. I want them to listen to my push backs against religion (but that one won’t happen because they’re pastors💀 but i really wish they would). I’m jealous of you, LY.
becoming an adult first and then a new mom made me shift from seeing my mum as just “mummy who’s got it figured out” to a “human experiencing life as every other person”
and looking back i love her even more cause yeahhh so many things now makes sense. so many things she didn’t even explain or talk about but now i get it.
phew 😮💨
damn!! this is so pure of you to say all
this. She will actually burst into tears if she reads this. Fr fr.
but guess what you gotta pat yourself in the back for being such an aware mom. 🥹🥹your kid is lucky!
thank you Tobi 🥹
I'm grateful for my dad. He's the reason why I write today. I'll never forget when I wrote an essay in primary 2 that stirred a little bit of family drama (would probably share another time, he he) he called me to his room and acknowledged how observant I was, told me he believed me even when others saw me as a child that wanted to cause chaos, and told me I was a talented writer. Now, that's not a thing you forget!
And my mum? How she supports everything even when she doesn't understand half of it! I write a book, she's supportive, asking how it's going! I explain to her I want to start a YouTube channel and she's excited for me. My win is her win, literally. She may not know much but the money she invested in my education has gotten me to where I am and I'm grateful to God for such a kind hearted woman.
if i ever get asked what’s the definition of a power couple—i’ll show them the image of this response.
like this is peak power coupling. Nothing comes close.
Awww thank you 🫶
They are so lucky to have you as their son. That was beautiful 🖤
thanks Angele.
Oh I love this Tobi. I'm well aware that I sometimes give my mum a bad rap, but I can wholeheartedly say she has always had my best interests at heart and consistently put me first. She's by no means perfect but she will forever do her best to be a good mother, and I think that's all I can ask for.
awnnn! she’d literally blush when she reads this. You know?
🥹 don’t let her read it lmao I’d be so embarrassed
I have been learning to give my parents a lot of grace.
1. because they weren’t perfect and neither am I.
2. Because I am of a certain age where I understand the complexities of life and know now that they did the best they knew how to do given the tools that they had.
3. Because I am a mom to 3 amazing kids and a wife all while figuring out my own life and overcoming challenges.
It’s not easy so I have forgiven much that I did not understand but now do because of my own life experiences. It’s interesting how life comes full circle for us all.
Its like how your parents say “just keep on living” which meant one day you’ll understand.
“It’s interesting how life comes full circle for us all.”
it’s so interesting—if you had told me ten years ago that I’d reach a point where I’m angry at my parents because of what their parents did to them, I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m not a parent yet; I don’t have kids of my own.
but I forgave them more for my sake than theirs. It was about letting go so I could live in peace with them, not necessarily for them to be at peace with me. I wanted my communication with them to reflect that forgiveness, to be more of a friend than just a son, more than someone they brought into this world.
To come back to your point about life coming full circle—honestly, I never thought I’d get here, but here we are.
curious; do you ever wonder what your kids would say about you?
Omg do I wonder? I wonder and wonder often lol! I feel like it handicaps me in a sense because I am always making sure they feel loved. It’s like I’m overcompensating in which we as parents often do.
I know I am not perfect and they too will have to forgive me one day for things I maybe unaware of. What I do know is that Life is complex and no one gets it perfect. I just have to make sure I listen often and learn to be better than those who came before us. I guess that’s the whole point of evolution, isn’t it?
But if I had to guess, in which I often ask them. They usually answer that I’m mean and it’s because I’m the enforcer and I enforce aggressively. I also cuss like a sailer in which I’m working on. 😅
And I don’t think they fully understand what mean is. If they had my mom they would’ve never made it in this world 😂
This is beautiful, Tobi. I wish for everyone to heal their familiar wounds the way you have. There is hope and so much of it is about extending grace and understanding towards our parents, without excusing their behaviour, of course.
My mother was 17 when she had me. I tend to try to have that in mind when I think of the mistakes my parents have made. It makes me see things in a different light.
Happy you’ve come to this beautiful stage of your relationship with your parents.
"My mother was 17 when she had me. " damnnnnnn! i'm 30 but i can't imagine the shit i'll put my kid through if i had one right now. Damn!! I feel for her, Mattie.
i'm curious, was it a cultural thing for her to have a kid that young?
Yes and she was under a lot of pressure from her parents and I suppose from my dad too who really liked her. Can’t really write about him here. I feel I am fighting to stay out of prison everyday by navigating my words about my father carefully, lmao. He wasn’t all bad, but narcissistic pastors do a lot of damage, often to the closest around them.
I can absolutely feel the love and gratitude you have for your parents. Like you, I’ve been shaped by the values my parents instilled in me and for that I’m forever grateful.
It’s inspiring to see how you honor them, not as perfect people, but as the anchors and guides who’ve poured so much into you. That is grace.
We have to cherish and celebrate the people who’ve been a steady force in our lives. So here’s to your parents and mine, for all they’ve done to help us become who we are. ❤️
"for all they’ve done to help us become who we are" - i'm so grateful for you. Whenever i hear from you, you always spread good. Can i hug you? 🫂
This is so cute 💅
Your parents would love to read this 🥹❤️
i sent my mom the audio my friend sent me but she was blushingly ignorant 🤣
This is beautiful and something I wish everyone can experience. There’s a peace that radiates when one’s foundation is sturdy. What a blessing to reach this place while they’re still alive.
Just…beautiful. I hope your parents read this. It would have to be some pretty cold or frozen-hearted parents who would not be touched by seeing the beauty that came through them. And it’s heartening to read your parents are getting it—as are you. Forget about “it’s better late than never.” It’s happening at exactly the time it needed to happen.
i actually shared the voice note with my mom but she acted blushingly ignorant. LOL
They may not have been perfect in every way, but they're great in some ways. I'm currently enrolled in this school, Identity School and I've realized that most times, our parents never got to heal from experiences that have hurt them in the past.
Trauma is real, and most of them got married really early but because they became parents, everyone expected them to know what they're doing meanwhile they're still trying to get a hang of their life.
I can't lie, it's annoying most times because I'm still a teenager and I hope I get to that stage where I can discuss certain things with my dad and we even have a relationship defined by boundaries but until then, I'll pray for God to help me appreciate and love them because they're a gift from God to me, just as I'm a gift from God to them
Shout out to them for birthing and raising you, they are with that! And just like Nalin said- you have no bad energy coming off you for real. Tobi, you're full of good energy and you radiate so much light, empathy and kindness.
Our parents honestly do try for us.
I was having a convo with someone and we just concluded that our parents would act better towards us if they knew better. They're raising us the way they know best, and when we realize this we'll accept & respect them for who they are.
I'm super grateful for my parents tbh.
Thank you for this newsletter, Tobi☺️
Love it bro and I ditto your friend's sentiment. Grateful for you man ✊🏽❤️
always a joy seeing that black and white profile picture appear in my corner.
can't see black and white and not think of you. You really been embodying it since day 0.
Appreciate the love you always share with me.
yoo!! i can’t wait to walk my way into that category with them. I want them to be who i call first. I want them to listen to my push backs against religion (but that one won’t happen because they’re pastors💀 but i really wish they would). I’m jealous of you, LY.
hahahha! what's with having kids now that makes you closer to parents now?
hmmmmm! mever thought of it that way. That’s a gift! you're blessed yooo