my son is not a failure
those words by mom would forever sit with me
those were the words of my mom in my course advisor’s office back in University.
And till this day it’s what pulls me through some difficult times.
as i type this, i just conquered an exam i was scared to take. A driving exam. Simple but nonetheless it has put many to shame. Specifically to 2 other folks who carried out the test side-by-side with me.
practicing for the exam felt like learning how to drive all over again.
i’m writing this essay because of my fear about exams of any kind.
every time i have an exam there’s this strange anxiety. It takes me back to that day where my course adviser broke the news to my parents in his office “your son will likely be asked to withdraw from the school”
my dad sat still and speechless. And trust me I understood it.
because you tell me, which parent after spending millions of naira to send their son to some of the best schools and constantly always felt like they were throwing money into an ocean, won’t be speechless. Tell me?
i had dragged him to rock bottom where i was and he could only afford numbness.
my mom on the other hand, chorused:
“sir, this boy you’re seeing is NOT a failure”
“my son is NOT A failure!!”
that’s where the thought of exams take me back to. the memories where i felt i let my parents down the most.
Whether it’s the one about getting kicked out of school or the days where i come back home with a truckload of carry-overs.
i’ve let them down so much that every win i get these days, i find a way to attribute it to them. Whether it’s me being one of the best students in 2022 graduating set in post graduate program, or landing a job, or getting a car—i find a way to point my success back to them.
Because with their actions they believed in me even when some of their harmful words said otherwise.
i did the driving test with a pounding heart and a picture of my parents cheering me on the wheels. And boyy did i get a “congratulations” from the examiner.
i don’t know when i’ll overcome this fear of exams but i hope releasing this publicly is the beginning of the end.
i’m not a failure.
you’re not a failure. Yes you! 🫵🏽
This was amazing bro! Proud of you and the healing journey you've been on!
Also this line 👏🏽
"i had dragged him to rock bottom where i was and he could only afford numbness."
Tobi, read this and I saw me through the lines. Can't wait to rewrite the story with my post graduate program
but until, i want to try to do so with my final year in the university.